Psychosis

Psychosis

Falling from the heavens I can only envision
My hemorrhaging heart and my thinking
Are running overtime… I try as always and
None but consecutively to reach for t he sky
Blood is cascading, I cannot arrest-
My eyes are kaleidoscopic and spiraling
Downward then upward
My lips blacken as my tongue forks outward hot as grease, spattering…
Serpentine, as is chartreuse as its mottled skin,
Tighter than a drum, gently tapping,
Sound accelerates then pounding erratically
Louder the decibels heightening
Eyes are spinning in a vicious circle around and around
Where they stop, nobody could even begin to imagine?
It hardly matters because even if my arm could
Reach out from the top of my head,
Grasping at eyes, those eyes-
Bloodshot as the irises, magenta as their pupils
Spinning with out stopping, arrested in space, spinthariscopic-
Whirling dervishes, I cannot reach, as mesmerizing as the day I perished inside, as Electrons spliced in time, abbreviated: less than a nanosecond-perhaps-
A bleeding heart and a brain
Sizzling out of control,
Rainbows have disintegrated, no hope for the weary,
I am less than surviving upon a very slow joyride,
Drowning and sinking, hissing and smoldering, and
Nothing matters any more because after all-
Aren’t we all just drifters and
Going no place, merely existing in
This theatrical sea of life,
Never ending, never abating?
Louder, louder, louder, louder -I can no longer persevere…

Claudia Krizay

Friend

Friend
(For Marjorie Sadin)


My life is a puzzle that challenges the mastermind, and the
Love I feel for you is deeper than the well of silence…
When I look up into the sky, I see clouds obliterate the rays of the sun, though
You are the gentle breeze that blows those clouds away, as
You capture the rain, my tears- in your loving hands,
And transform them to dewdrops that glisten in
The sunshine at the dawning of each new day.
My soul dances inside of a stallion and inside of the exterior of a
Playful and innocent child, my heart weeps and trembles and
The voice of my spirit chortles although at times screams out in terror, but the
Voices that plague my troubled mind will not be silenced...
You are the brightest star of all of the constellations that shine upon
My dark world, and the gentle hand that wipes my tears away,
The jester that makes me laugh, and the song that moves me to tears…

Claudia Krizay

Only in my Dreams

Only in my dreams
There exists such a place
Where there lives someone who dwells in this unique terrain
Defined as the heavens,
In whosever’s wakefulness
Paints the sky robin’s-egg blue, and as
Clouds, silver lined may
Never be permitted to
Obliterate the sun-
A special tree there grows
Holding in its keepsake
Many fond memories
Bearing flowers of a different kind than
We can see on this hellish planet earth,
The place I have named
The land of the delusive,
Fire burning in this torment,
Searing the flesh of my soul.
Voices personify madness,
Never defining safety of
Hellions following behind me
With their heavy footsteps, though
Only in my dreams
Exists there a place
Where I sit by the creek side watching as
It crawls over weathered stones that
Glisten in magical sunlight
Golden in its rarity,
I would pick a flower from that tree that
Generously gives me more than shade,
Donning more than colorful blooms
More than God’s gift of nature has
Me mesmerized, and as I step further away
From the trials of abuse, fear and self-harm,
It would seem as if I were walking into a photograph or an
Impressionistic painting,
I find myself
Falling into a state of oblivion and
When life just no longer matters, I see myself
Holding in my hand an empty stem and
Can see it beginning to blossom-
Only in my dreams I believe I can hear
The whippoorwill’s song or envision my persona rising
Upon the wing of a nightingale,
Only in my dreams
There could be some hope for me,
That life can be worth living and
I can sing hymns of praise and
Lullabies of peace of mind as
I listen to the water rushing about tall reeds that
Grow beneath my feet as I watch dewdrops glisten in the grass below,
The voices in my head have finally silenced and
There is nothing in this place to fear,
Eternal solitude and
No reason for apprehension about the future,
The pain of past memories buried have
Given me the faith and courage to persevere, though
Only here in this paradise, where the sun never sets, until
Stars and the moon would
Find me a rainbow so I can
Laugh, let go and let God- though
Only in my dreams…only
In
My
Dreams…

Claudia Krizay

sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes I hear the sound of a bolt of lightening
Strike any tree, and
As I walk through the darkness of day,
I only can envision
A glimpse of hidden sunshine,
A gray cloud covering the tips of the treetops, and
A spotted green snake slithering through the grass that
Blankets the tortuous path I walk every day…
Sometimes I hear the thunder crash, as if
Some lost and troubled angel
Hovering about the black sky above me has
Expressed her inexplicable rage, or
God has angrily snapped his fingers-
Sometimes I see clouds circulating beneath my feet, or
I see hell rising above my head, and
Many times, as I walk along this wooded trail,
The whole world follows me,
Laughing at my thoughts-
An evil eye from heaven focuses on my every move, and
Sometimes I feel myself hanging with a noose about my neck,
Ironically from the most magnificent and statuesque tree
In all of the forest-
When fear overcomes and apprehension about
Tomorrow rolling over the mountains invades my baffled mind,
I try to hide behind the ominously approaching thunderclouds-
God never promised me that I would find a rainbow and
The demons that live inside my mind
Have never promised that they would stop their
Incessant vociferations-
The whole world follows me as tomorrow
Blatantly turns to today-
I stand, but never alone beneath a maple tree,
Capturing each moment as it falls encased inside a
Single raindrop that could have been a tear
Cried for yesterday’s sorrows-
Sometimes when that bolt of lightening strikes,
I quietly whistle a happy tune-
It has been said that music calms the troubled soul, and as
I hide from this frightening world
Beneath the clouds below my feet,
I pray for a touch of heaven to chase
This terrifying world away-
Though God never promised me a
Rainbow or a prayer,
Just a ray of light would be a welcome sight,
To dispel the darkness of this world
That terrorizes me –
Light, love and fear-
What truth-filled words they are…

Claudia Krizay