Psychosis

Psychosis

Falling from the heavens I can only envision
My hemorrhaging heart and my thinking
Are running overtime… I try as always and
None but consecutively to reach for t he sky
Blood is cascading, I cannot arrest-
My eyes are kaleidoscopic and spiraling
Downward then upward
My lips blacken as my tongue forks outward hot as grease, spattering…
Serpentine, as is chartreuse as its mottled skin,
Tighter than a drum, gently tapping,
Sound accelerates then pounding erratically
Louder the decibels heightening
Eyes are spinning in a vicious circle around and around
Where they stop, nobody could even begin to imagine?
It hardly matters because even if my arm could
Reach out from the top of my head,
Grasping at eyes, those eyes-
Bloodshot as the irises, magenta as their pupils
Spinning with out stopping, arrested in space, spinthariscopic-
Whirling dervishes, I cannot reach, as mesmerizing as the day I perished inside, as Electrons spliced in time, abbreviated: less than a nanosecond-perhaps-
A bleeding heart and a brain
Sizzling out of control,
Rainbows have disintegrated, no hope for the weary,
I am less than surviving upon a very slow joyride,
Drowning and sinking, hissing and smoldering, and
Nothing matters any more because after all-
Aren’t we all just drifters and
Going no place, merely existing in
This theatrical sea of life,
Never ending, never abating?
Louder, louder, louder, louder -I can no longer persevere…

Claudia Krizay

Friend

Friend
(For Marjorie Sadin)


My life is a puzzle that challenges the mastermind, and the
Love I feel for you is deeper than the well of silence…
When I look up into the sky, I see clouds obliterate the rays of the sun, though
You are the gentle breeze that blows those clouds away, as
You capture the rain, my tears- in your loving hands,
And transform them to dewdrops that glisten in
The sunshine at the dawning of each new day.
My soul dances inside of a stallion and inside of the exterior of a
Playful and innocent child, my heart weeps and trembles and
The voice of my spirit chortles although at times screams out in terror, but the
Voices that plague my troubled mind will not be silenced...
You are the brightest star of all of the constellations that shine upon
My dark world, and the gentle hand that wipes my tears away,
The jester that makes me laugh, and the song that moves me to tears…

Claudia Krizay

Only in my Dreams

Only in my dreams
There exists such a place
Where there lives someone who dwells in this unique terrain
Defined as the heavens,
In whosever’s wakefulness
Paints the sky robin’s-egg blue, and as
Clouds, silver lined may
Never be permitted to
Obliterate the sun-
A special tree there grows
Holding in its keepsake
Many fond memories
Bearing flowers of a different kind than
We can see on this hellish planet earth,
The place I have named
The land of the delusive,
Fire burning in this torment,
Searing the flesh of my soul.
Voices personify madness,
Never defining safety of
Hellions following behind me
With their heavy footsteps, though
Only in my dreams
Exists there a place
Where I sit by the creek side watching as
It crawls over weathered stones that
Glisten in magical sunlight
Golden in its rarity,
I would pick a flower from that tree that
Generously gives me more than shade,
Donning more than colorful blooms
More than God’s gift of nature has
Me mesmerized, and as I step further away
From the trials of abuse, fear and self-harm,
It would seem as if I were walking into a photograph or an
Impressionistic painting,
I find myself
Falling into a state of oblivion and
When life just no longer matters, I see myself
Holding in my hand an empty stem and
Can see it beginning to blossom-
Only in my dreams I believe I can hear
The whippoorwill’s song or envision my persona rising
Upon the wing of a nightingale,
Only in my dreams
There could be some hope for me,
That life can be worth living and
I can sing hymns of praise and
Lullabies of peace of mind as
I listen to the water rushing about tall reeds that
Grow beneath my feet as I watch dewdrops glisten in the grass below,
The voices in my head have finally silenced and
There is nothing in this place to fear,
Eternal solitude and
No reason for apprehension about the future,
The pain of past memories buried have
Given me the faith and courage to persevere, though
Only here in this paradise, where the sun never sets, until
Stars and the moon would
Find me a rainbow so I can
Laugh, let go and let God- though
Only in my dreams…only
In
My
Dreams…

Claudia Krizay

sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes I hear the sound of a bolt of lightening
Strike any tree, and
As I walk through the darkness of day,
I only can envision
A glimpse of hidden sunshine,
A gray cloud covering the tips of the treetops, and
A spotted green snake slithering through the grass that
Blankets the tortuous path I walk every day…
Sometimes I hear the thunder crash, as if
Some lost and troubled angel
Hovering about the black sky above me has
Expressed her inexplicable rage, or
God has angrily snapped his fingers-
Sometimes I see clouds circulating beneath my feet, or
I see hell rising above my head, and
Many times, as I walk along this wooded trail,
The whole world follows me,
Laughing at my thoughts-
An evil eye from heaven focuses on my every move, and
Sometimes I feel myself hanging with a noose about my neck,
Ironically from the most magnificent and statuesque tree
In all of the forest-
When fear overcomes and apprehension about
Tomorrow rolling over the mountains invades my baffled mind,
I try to hide behind the ominously approaching thunderclouds-
God never promised me that I would find a rainbow and
The demons that live inside my mind
Have never promised that they would stop their
Incessant vociferations-
The whole world follows me as tomorrow
Blatantly turns to today-
I stand, but never alone beneath a maple tree,
Capturing each moment as it falls encased inside a
Single raindrop that could have been a tear
Cried for yesterday’s sorrows-
Sometimes when that bolt of lightening strikes,
I quietly whistle a happy tune-
It has been said that music calms the troubled soul, and as
I hide from this frightening world
Beneath the clouds below my feet,
I pray for a touch of heaven to chase
This terrifying world away-
Though God never promised me a
Rainbow or a prayer,
Just a ray of light would be a welcome sight,
To dispel the darkness of this world
That terrorizes me –
Light, love and fear-
What truth-filled words they are…

Claudia Krizay

purpose

Purpose


Tall trees touch the sun,
As the moon follows behind,
Lost inside of a rainbow.
The sun’s rays fail to dispel the darkness,
Although
It may be very early morning.
Leaves on the trees are
Small cupped hands, which
Cling to branches of unreality.
They hold dewdrops,
Tears of naiads
Lost in the storm of their
Abject misery,
Destined as they were
To reach heaven someday
Too far to travel from
Their homes amongst the woodlands.
One could have been myself,
Rising early, at daybreak
Each and every morning,
I would venture outward to
Walk the same rugged pathway
Uphill and down,
Winding about myriads of trees,
Some that would scrape the sky and others
Fallen by many a windstorm-
In my dream I would board a small jet plane,
Fluorescent in its color,
Headed towards the heavens, as it
Would travel through the forest at dawn-
Perhaps, I thought at one time,
This could be a different kind of a journey-
Now I know,
I am none but a lost soul,
With no purpose in life,
Awakening every single day
Only to voyage outward,
To follow the sun…
I may capture each moment in time,
Loving every tree and being mesmerized by
The sight of young deer grazing and then leaping
Through the brush, and
Although so in love with nature,
My life is none but static-
Listening to the same lullaby
Day and night, though soothing as it may be, and
Seeing the world through the eyes of a dreamer,
This phantasmal life is without change or purpose-
Perhaps I should be grateful that the sun
Does not hide its face and
Someday I may lose myself inside the clouds that decorate the sky,
Follow the moon towards midnight’s passage, hide
Inside that rainbow captured and
Lose myself in a
Different realm of time…

Claudia Krizay

Promises

Promises


You promised me roses
You promised me the sun
You offered me time,
And time is valuable,
My vase was filled with water,
My windows, wide open
To let in the sunlight-
In my hand
I hold empty stems
Three of them,
I believe,
One for each lie you told me,
My watch is broken
It is two PM and
My clocks all read midnight, and
Dark clouds
Obliterate the sun-
I never trusted many.
My parents planted seeds that
They promised would grow magnolia trees,
Tall and beautiful they would become,
Another promise broken-
I remember a garden replete with dandelions and
Overgrown with weeds, and
Grass never cut.
I walk out my door, and
Into my cupped hands,
I let the rain pour,
Into my cupped hands,
I let each tear that I cried drop,
One at a time,
One for each lie and each misfortune
This life has given me-
You promised me roses,
You promised me the sun.
I could uphold the moon in the palms of my hands-
There is no life on the moon,
Which is why I so adore it-
No living thing to lie and make false promises-
If I could I would live there myself
I would be the queen, planting my own seeds,
Seeds of prosperity and love,
And watch them grow in peace and in happiness alone,
Even if they were only dandelions and
Overgrown grass,
No rain would fall,
No tears would fall,
Because the water in my vase
Would be pure,
And the sun would shine at midnight-
And if t he hands on my watch
Spun out of control
Time wouldn’t matter
When no one is around
To lie about time, flowers or even the sun-
And from there I do not see
A single cloud in the sky?

Claudia Krizay

Helicopter From Hell

Helicopter from Hell


I am riding on a helicopter
From hell
That is supposed to take me
To some place
Where I can in vain find some
Solace and peace
For just one moment, I pray to some God that not likely exists-
They say it is supposed to storm today
But the skies are lying
Just as the whole world
Tells me its daily untruths-
Hell is where I am now living and
Hell is where I shall find myself
After death-
Hell is my past and
Here in the present
I am damned and
Feel as if I have been betrayed-
An elderly woman,
Dressed in a chartreuse and brown-colored plaid frock
Torn at the hem and she is
Wearing worn oxfords, made of
Yellowed leather,
One untied-
Eyes in the back of her head spinning and
Glaring at me as she
Chatters, laughs at and prattles about me through the static on her
Wretched cell phone-
On this bus
Everyone is laughing at me disdainfully,
Ogling me through their glassy eyes-
The driver slows down every time
We come close to a green light turning yellow, then red-
Wanting to make me late
To that place
That place where I hopelessly seek solace and some
Peace of mind-
I would shoot him with a pistol
Or stab him with a knife-
If I owned either, which in sad reality I do not
If this bus were in truth a helicopter
It would fly high up in the sky but never would reach heaven-
Strangers with their beady eyes
In back of their heads-
Intently gazing into mine stealing my thoughts away-
They are nothing but ants to me whom I would stamp on
If I only could I would with joy and utmost glee.
My hands are shaking and my eyes are
Darting madly about-
“Everyone knows
That
Woman
Is
Psychotic –“
I hear them all say-
About me?
And
I don’t even care, because
I hate people and I have just fallen in love with myself and
That can only mean that
I must be from some other planet and
On this planet where I was conceived-
No heaven or hell exists, so
I ride this helicopter
Back to my home beyond the sky-
Beyond peace of mind,
Heaven, hell, or this planet earth, and where
The skies never lie and
I am lost in my own storm and I only wish that
That old crone would tie her shoe
And turn off her cell phone
So I can hear the voices
Always talking to me inside my mind-
As my eyes dart about and my hands shake-
As this world spins out of control and thunder claps
My phantom cell phone rings,
To tell me that
The sky has lied…one more time…
I am a lost soul,
Stranded and
Miles from home…
Destitute, impoverished, and
So in love
With
Myself…

Claudia Krizay